And The Hobbit Was Like…

January 24, 2015 | By Paul Mackenzie Ross | Filed in: Books, language.

And Bilbo was like “Good morning!” and he meant it. The sun was shining, and the grass was very green.

But Gandalf was like “What do you mean?”

And then Gandalf was like “Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is morning to be good on?”

And Bilbo was like “All of them at once. And a very fine morning for a pipe of tobacco out of doors, into the bargain. If you have a pipe about you, sit down and have a fill of mine! There’s no hurry, we have all the day before us!”

Then Bilbo was, like, sitting down on a seat by his door, and, like, crossing his legs, and blew out a beautiful grey ring of smoke that sailed up into the air without breaking and floated away over The Hill, like.

So Gandalf was like “Very pretty! But I have no time to blow smoke-rings this morning. I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it’s very difficult to find anyone.”

And Bilbo was like “I should think so in these parts! We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner! I cant think what anybody sees in them.” and, like, stuck one thumb behind his braces, and blew out another even bigger smoke-ring, like.

Then he was, like, taking out his morning letters, and began to, like, read, pretending, like, to take no more notice of the old man. He had, like, decided that he was not quite his sort, like, and wanted him to go away, you know what I mean? But the old man was, like, not moving. He was, like, standing leaning on his stick and, like, gazing at the hobbit, you know, without saying anything, like, till Bilbo got quite, like, uncomfortable, like, and even a little cross, you know?

So then Bilbo was like “Good morning!” and then he was like “We don’t want any adventures here, thank you! You might try over The Hill or across The Water.” By this he was, like, meaning that the conversation was at an end, you know?

Gandalf was like “What a lot of things you do use Good morning for!” and then he was like “Now you mean that you want to get rid of me, and that it won’t be good till I move off.”

Then Bilbo was all like “Not at all, not at all, my dear sir! Let me see, I don’t think I know your name?”

To which Gandalf was like “Yes, yes, my dear sir and I do know your name, Mr. Bilbo Baggins. And you do know my name, though you don’t remember that I belong to it. I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means me! To think that I should have lived to be good-morninged by Belladonna Took’s son, as if I was selling buttons at the door!”

And then Bilbo was all kind of like “Gandalf, Gandalf! Good gracious me! Not the wandering wizard that gave Old Took a pair of magic diamond studs that fastened themselves and never came undone till ordered?” and then he was like “Not the fellow who used to tell such wonderful tales at parties, about dragons and goblins and giants and the rescue of princesses and the unexpected luck of widows’ sons? Not the man that used to make such particularly excellent fireworks! I remember those! Old Took used to have them on Midsummer’s Eve. Splendid! They used to go up like great lilies and snapdragons and laburnums of fire and hang in the twilight all evening!”

You will notice already that Mr. Baggins was, like, not quite so prosy as he liked to believe, also that he was very fond of flowers.

“Dear me!” he was like “Not the Gandalf who was responsible for so many quiet lads and lasses going off into the Blue for mad adventures. Anything from climbing trees to visiting Elves or sailing in ships, sailing to other shores! Bless me, life used to be quite inter, I mean, you used to upset things badly in these parts once upon a time. I beg your pardon, but I had no idea you were still in business.”

To which Gandalf was like “Where else should I be?” and then he was like “All the same I am pleased to find you remember something about me. You seem to remember my fireworks kindly, at any rate, and that is not without hope. Indeed for your old grand-father Took’s sake, and for the sake of poor Belladonna, I will give you what you asked for.”

And Bilbo was all like “I beg your pardon” and like “I haven’t asked for anything!”

Then Gandalf was like “Yes, you have! Twice now. My pardon. I give it you. In fact I will go so far as to send you on this adventure. Very amusing for me, very good for you and profitable too, very likely, if you ever get over it.”

So Bilbo was like “Sorry! I don’t want any adventures, thank you. Not today. Good morning! But please come to tea any time you like! Why not tomorrow? Come tomorrow! Good-bye!”

With that the hobbit, like, turned and scuttled inside his round green door, and shut it as quickly as he dared, not to seen rude, you know? Wizards after all are wizards, like.


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